Don't hold your breath

I'm feeling all sorts of things today.  Mostly bad, but some very good.  I'm not sure where to start.  I purposefully woke up at 5 am today so I could be tired early tonight.  I am waking up even earlier tomorrow to catch an early flight to Texas.  My siblings and I are surprising my oldest sister for her birthday.  It is beyond amazing that we were all able to take a few days and do this for her.  She has really been missing us too and I know it will mean the world to her.  It's been about 2 and a half years since I've seen her.  I'm not taking EZ, even though she hasn't actually met him yet.  We are just going for the weekend and no spouses or kids included.  I can't wait.  It's going to blow her socks off!

I am a little worried about leaving my boy behind.  I've never been away from him before!  He will be with his dad and perfectly fine, I'm sure...  Still, it's hard the first time.  I don't know what else I can say, except I hope John doesn't go crazy!!

Well after I woke up I took a pregnancy test.  We have been trying for a few months but no success yet.  I knew I was supposed to start my cycle soon but I wanted to find out one way or the other before my trip tomorrow.  With a very hopeful heart I eagerly waited and all too quickly found out that I was in deed, not pregnant, again.  I'm sort of used to the disappointment now.  Lo and behold about an hour later I started my period.  A day early too, ugh!  So, I just don't know why it's taking so long.  The first time I got pregnant, it was such a surprise.  I mean, we were being very careful!  Then I had my miscarriage.  After being perfectly careful for 3 months, I got pregnant immediately with Ezekiel!  One and done.  I've been off birth control for 4 months.  If I didn't get pregnant so easily the first couple times, I wouldn't feel so worried now.  I mean, we are actively trying.  I just don't get it.

I thought writing about it might be cathartic.  I do feel a little better.  I know it's not fair to assume it'll be so easy every time, it isn't for so many others.  I guess I'm just a little annoyed that I think I can't feel that badly or be that concerned because I have to compare myself to other people and have to understand that my feelings are useless.  Well, pain is pain!  With all the other crap that has been going on lately, I just wanted this one thing I thought I could have.  I thought it would be something I could control.  The only thing I could control... but, it's becoming a dream.  Like so many other things.  Plus I hate it when people say, "it's all on the Lord's timing."  Honestly?  Do people believe that?  You think I have to go through some test or something?  Personally, I believe God wants to send down as many children as possible.  It's science that makes it happen or not.  Maybe that's just me.  But we all know the best people in the world who can't have children and some of the worst that do.  Science.

Anyway, again it just feels like I'm waiting to be happy.  Everything is out of my control.  I HATE that feeling.  I really want to go back to work too, and I can't.  John is too busy with school and work, I couldn't possibly have any type of job right now.  Plus for some reason the people at Fantastic Sams don't seem too interested in having me back.  Ha, their loss.  I'm awesome!  Blah, anyway.... I really really want to move this summer.  I don't care where, as long as the house is bigger and preferably nicer.  I am all set to start packing and de-junking and fixing our place up for someone else to take over.  Then the other day John said he thinks we are going to live here for 3 more years.  WHAT?!?!  I could not handle that so I changed the subject and haven't brought it up since!  Writing all this reminds me of a post I wrote a long time back about how tired I was of the constant struggle of life.  It is too damn hard for some of us.  We work ourselves tirelessly and get such little reward.  We try and try and give and give and are blessed with more trying and giving.  What?  Where is the happy?  Where is the joy?  People will work all year long to take one small vacation a year?  If that??  How is it that I haven't seen my sister in almost 3 years and she hasn't even met the last 3 kids born in my family?  There is too much mediocre.  Boo!  There is too much waiting for things to get better.  Boo!  I know I am past my prime, hello!  I am only going to get older, fatter, wrinklier, weaker, more tired, more cranky, bla bla bla.  Every time I vent like this I feel like I have to make myself sound better and not so miserable by acknowledging the blessings in my life.  Yeah I know, it could (and often does) always get worse and I am grateful for the small and simple things.  Just be patient with me, I actually do know how to be positive.  But this time, I just feel like sulking.  I'm tired of fooling myself.  Just deal with the pain already.  Accept it.  That's what I'm choosing to do this time.  Sorry if you expected more, then you fooled yourself too.

And only because I want to end on a more positive note, check this out

 

I am posting this the day after I wrote it so as not to spoil the surprise for my sister.  Plus, by then, I'll be in a much happier place, emotionally!  But look at us, we know how to have fun :)

Waiting for.....?

Well, I turned down the jetBlue job.  After a few good talks with my husband and some praying, I just feel like it was going to be too much for me and my family right now.  I'm relieved in a lot of ways but I also feel like saying that it sucks.  I can't seem to shake the feeling that something is missing.  That there is something I am supposed to be doing and I still can't figure out what that is.  Why am I having such a hard time not feeling satisfied and instead just wanting more?  I want to work... I want to see my family.... I want a bigger house... a bigger car.... another kid...  But these things are nothing I can have right now.  I hate the feeling of waiting to be happy.

I am mostly happy.  I have millions of things to be happy about and be grateful for.  Life is pretty good.  But life is also pretty hard.  No matter what, everyone experiences pain.  Pain is a lesson, and what lesson is ever not painful?  *sighs*  The hardest part is not knowing why, or for how long, or what you're supposed to do next!

At any rate, I've decided I need to sell myself.  That sounds bad... what I mean is; I love to do hair!  Even though my circumstance and situation are not exactly ideal... I can still do it!  So, I am going to try to market myself.  If you or anyone you know are interested in getting their hair done from me, please check me out at https://www.facebook.com/jades.hairspot and let's set something up!

In other thoughts, I got a new cell phone for Christmas and I am obsessed with taking pictures and videos of my handsome little boy.  Here are some of my favorites,

 

Awe Christmas

December is such a crazy and busy month, but it all becomes worth it Christmas morning.  Actually this year it started a little earlier than that.  On the 23rd we had our traditional Grandpa Claus with John's family.  His dad dresses up as Santa and calls each family member up, one by one, and gives them a present.  This year we did dinner too- mexican style.  As always with the Lewis family foods, it was very delicious.  EZ's double ear infection had him feeling pretty miserable, I still had this annoying cough, and John's fighting a sore throat.... but we still went and had a great time!  Well, except for the part where it was EZ's turn to sit on Santa's lap.  He cried and tried to escape.  He's been very clingy to John lately so he is only happy when his daddy is holding him.  Here's some of that night.

 

 

The next night, Christmas Eve we went over to John's sister's house in South Jordan.  It's her family's tradition to have an open house every Christmas Eve.  Again, amazing food!  Also a lot of fun.  EZ had a great time playing with their dog.  He was in a much better mood, just laughing and dancing the whole night.  Anyway, I only got a few pictures of him playing with the dogs and most of them are blurry!

Christmas day was just fabulous.  It snowed!  Snow on Christmas morning is just right.  We woke up around 8, went downstairs and started opening EZ's presents.  (he still needs a little help)  Then we decided to open our presents too since there wasn't that many.  If it weren't for the holiday package my parents sent, it would have been a lot less!  Thanks Mom and Dad!  Then we made a great breakfast with french toast, eggs, bacon and sausage, hot chocolate, and cinnamon rolls!  Mmm mmm.  Then we opened our stockings!  After that we all felt a little too stuffed and sleepy so EZ took a nap and John and I watched a movie in bed.  Then we got up and got ready to head over to another of John's sister's houses for Christmas dinner.  Do I even need to mention how delicious it was?  Do you believe me yet?  Lewis's can cook!  I also realized I hadn't had to make dinner for the last 3 nights.  Woo-hoo!  I know I've packed on some holiday weight already, oh well... tis the season!  Anyway, besides eating we hung out and read a sweet Christmas book to help us keep our focus on the real gift of Christmas; the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

 

Having a 2 year-old made this Christmas extra special.  Kids just make everything more exciting!  Merry Christmas everyone!  Thanks to those in my life; my friends and family, love you all.  I am truly blessed!

At a loss

For the past few months I've just felt like something's missing.  I feel like I had plans that fell out of my control and just didn't happen.  It all started in July.  I was texting the owner of my former job at Fantastic Sams and I mentioned how I wanted to come back to work.  She said I was welcome back anytime!  She also told me that one of the manager's had just given her notice and would be needing to hire soon.  So, I called (my old salon that I used to manage) and talked to the manager.  For protection I will just call her L.  She was the one who took over managing after I stepped down because of having my son.  I went back to work after EZ was born and it was a hard transition to have someone I recently hired and been manager of be my manager.  That's why I worked at the other location for a while before quitting last August.  Anyway, I told her that I had just talked to the owners and was told they'd have a spot for me soon at the salon.  She told me that she and another girl were quitting soon.  We talked about when I would probably start and how many hours I'd work and stuff.  I told her I was thinking about September but could probably do some days in August. She said she'd look at her schedule and get back to me.  Well, about a week went by and I hadn't heard from her so I called the salon again and she answered!  She told me she had been out of town and hadn't had a chance to look that far ahead so still wasn't sure when I would get on the schedule.  I told her I would text her my availability and she said she'd let me know.

I sent her the following text on July 28th:
Hi L*, this is Jade.  Just wanted to let you know more about my schedule.  Also, who do I need to talk to after you aren't there?  August is pretty busy for me, but I have a few days available if you need them.  So I think September would be better for me to start a real schedule.

She didn't get back to me so after 2 days I wrote her again on Jul 31:
My best days in August are Monday the 11th any closing shift, Tuesday the 12th no sooner then 3 because I have school, Thursday the 14th also 3-8 because of school, Monday the 18th any closing shift, Tuesday the 19th any closing shift, Friday the 22 any closing shift, and Monday the 25 any closing shift.  Then I'm out of town til Sept. 1.

I still didn't hear anything for a week so I text again on Aug 7:
Hi again, just wondering if you have a start date for me yet?

She actually responded just a few minutes later saying: No I don't need anyone yet.  Prob not until sept when me and another full time girl quit.  I had lots of people out of town but everyone is back now.  Also they still have not decided the new manager.

I wrote right back and said: Okay that works for me!  Thanks!!

She says: Ya no problem!

So I waited.  And waited.  Waited for her to contact me and let me know when I would start.  It seemed clear to me that I would start in September and she would pass along the information about who I was and that I would be working soon to who ever was going to be the new manager.  Well, August was coming to an end soon and I still hadn't heard anything so I text her on the 22nd:
Hi, so I have my September availability whenever you're ready for it :)

No response.  On Sept 5th I write: Hi L*, I don't want to bug ya, but I'm eager to start working.  Do you have an idea when you'll want me to start?

She writes back this time saying: I haven't worked there for a couple weeks now

I respond: Oh sorry, I just don't know who to talk to, I thought you were still there!  Nevermind

She replies: No problem!  Karli is the new manager.  

AND THAT'S THE LAST I HEAR FROM HER!  Can you believe that?  She told me she was quitting in September and she clearly quit in August.  Why didn't she tell me that when I wrote her about my availability for September?  If I were in her position I would have kept in contact every step of the way.  I would have had the new manager contact me and work things out from there.  So anyway, I called the salon to talk to the new manager, who was busy at the time, and didn't call me back for several hours.  She told me that L had hired some new people before she left so they're were fully staffed and didn't need me.  WHAT??  I was shocked!  I asked her what she even knew about me because I had been told 6 weeks ago that I was going to have a job and work 2-3 days a week.  She said that L told her I just wanted to be "on-call"....... Again, total shock!  This L person clearly hates my guts and wants to ruin my life.  She totally screwed me over!  I then contacted the other location's manager who actually knows me and she sadly told me that she'd love to have me back but they were fully staffed as well.  What a mess right?  I then got on facebook and deleted L because she clearly is no friend to me.  I started asking around about salon jobs and getting on KSL looking for job postings.  After I mellowed out in a few days I started to feel really good about not going back to work just yet.  I felt like there must have been a higher purpose or reason things didn't work out.  In some ways it was good.  I was able to babysit a few times for a friend who really needed it..  I was able to let my husband attend school and work and do homework without the stress of conflicting our schedules..  I got to stay home with my awesome son and visit with friends and stuff.

Shortly after all this I got called to teach the sunbeams in my ward.  I was surprised that I was getting a "Sunday only" calling since because I didn't have a job, I didn't have any weekly obligations that would prohibit me from a calling that required me during the week or something.  Does that make sense?  I really thought I was going to be called into Young Women's.  Of course I always think that and it never happens....  In the mean time I'd interviewed at a few other salons but they just didn't feel like a good fit.  One of them wanted me full time, which I just can't do.  Another wanted me to go to a 2 week training and also work on Sundays.  No thank you!  Well after about 2 months I tried again with Fantastic Sams and still no spots open for me.  Ugh.

John suddenly became convinced that I should work for jetBlue.  We know some people who do the work-from-home job and really like it.  So, I applied.  What a process that is!  They have you take some online tests, each a few days apart.  If you pass those, you go in for an interview which is like 3 hours long.  They introduce you to the company, take information and just make sure you're a real person who is interested.  Then they do a background check.  Which is also a lengthy process.  I had a few set backs but sent in everything they needed.  It's been a week and a half and I just got a call today that I got the job!  Although, after all that waiting I thought the pay off would feel better.  John was home briefly and we were both like, "okay..."

So, I don't know.  I've just felt at a loss.  I feel like there was so much more I could have been doing for myself and for my family.  Why did it take so long to get somewhere??  Being a stay-at-home-mom is a real challenge for me.  I think I must just really enjoy working.  Of course being a mom is more work than any job, I know!  I do love being home too, don't get me wrong.  It's just that until a few minutes ago it seemed like there was no opportunity to do more and it's been very frustrating.   I was just making myself crazy because my destiny felt out of my control for so long.  It's not a good feeling to feel like other people run your life.  I don't know if this makes any sense.  Sorry, I guess I just had to vent!  I don't know how this job will go or if I'll feel any more fulfilled but it is the first step.  As I write this, it is brightening my day.  I know I'd much rather be doing hair, and I guess I still can on the side... but jetBlue has a lot of perks so, hopefully it all goes well... wish me luck, and thanks for reading!

Happy Anniversary

7 years!  Hot cha cha!!  I just love my husband so much, more than I ever have before.  I am so lucky to have him.  Marrying him has been the best decision I have ever made.

eeeeeeeEZEKIEL!!!

I officially have a 2 year-old!  I just marvel at how quickly and also slowly time goes by.  It also amazes me at how much harder my life has been, but also how much better it's become since this little man was born.  I'm so grateful to be blessed to have him, he is remarkable to me!  I'm grateful that I get to spend almost all day every day with him.  He is so sweet, with a soft and warming little voice.  His smile always melts my heart and his laugh always makes me smile.

He is learning and growing more and more every day.  He talks all day long (most of it gibberish) and loves to repeat back what he hears.  He cracks up at some of the funnier sounding words like; dizzy, stretchy, yucky and gooey.  I don't know where it came from but one of his favorite sayings is, "i-e" especially when he's in a silly mood.  When he says "potty" it sounds more like "ki-ee" and he is understanding more of what going potty is all about.  He makes the sign for it every time he sees a bathroom and also when he goes #2.  He also loves to flush the toilet.  We're still a long ways a way from potty training, but it's exciting to see him grasp a concept!  Isn't it funny how parents portray the world?  Anyway, here are some more things EZ does.

• When he gets excited about something his eyes light up and he takes in a deep open breath.  
• He knows to fold his arms for a prayer and he claps at the end of each one.  
• The word he says over and over, all day long is, "hi".  He always waves a lot too, mostly to people who aren't really looking at him.
• He gives good hugs and kisses.  As well as blows kisses.
• It's harder getting him to take a nap, I think because he doesn't want to stop playing and he doesn't want to be without us.  
• He is pretty clingy still and shy around new people and places.  I never have to worry about him running off because he doesn't like to drift too far from my side.  
• He likes to hold hands too, especially when he's feeling nervous.  
• He loves hats.  He'll put anything on his head that will stay on his head.  He usually says, "hat" but sometimes he'll say, "crown."
• He also holds just about anything up to his ear like a phone and say "elwo"
• He loves to feed the ducks.
• He's obsessed with all things cars and more recently trains.  He says "choo choo" when he plays with toy cars.  (we don't have any toy trains)
• He loves to splash!  Bath time is always a very wet time for Mommy.
• He loves to hop and jump, as well as dance and kick.  He can really shake his booty!
• He plays peek-a-boo with himself.  He'll cover his eyes with his hands then take them away quickly.  I've caught him doing this to himself when he thinks no one is watching.
• He still crams in as much food as will fit into his mouth even though he ends up choking and spitting some out!  He never wants to stop eating.
• He never tires of building towers.
• He likes all the kid shows but his favorite is, Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood.

I tried to get some cute pictures of him last week but my camera isn't that fancy, and this little dude is so busy that he just can't hold still!  The first one is the best one I got.  They're all a little bit blurry but I still like them so I'm posting them.  Isn't he cute?  He loves feeding the ducks even if they swarm us.  He tried a pine cone... then a dandelion...  

   

 We had a birthday party for him on Sunday, a few days early-but like he even knows!  It turned out pretty good, we had it at our clubhouse (the castle).  I did cupcakes again this year, I just think they're easiest for a group.  I also made rice crispy treats and spinach lasagna roll ups.  We also had ice cream as well as grapes and strawberries.  It was a good spread.  A little real food and a little dessert food!  I just get excited when people eat and enjoy the things I make, just makes me feel good!

 It took EZ a few times before he grasped opening up presents.  He got excited with every new gift he got, so excited that he didn't hold still long enough for my camera to get a decent picture of his happy face...  Have I complained enough about my camera?  Well if it bothers you, then I encourage you to buy me a fancy new camera!  Te he, ANYWAY.... some of these pictures are funny because he looks drunk in them.  I seem to be able to catch him half-blinking almost all of the time.  He was also scared to blow out his birthday candle.  That probably doesn't surprise you though!  Here's a few seconds of it,

The next day he had his 2-year doctor appointment.  His stats: Weight 30 pounds -95th percentile, Height 34 inches -32nd percentile, Head Circumference 19.25 -68th percentile.  Basically he's short and stocky.  I don't know where in his genetics he got short and stocky from.  Certainly not my side. In fact he was off the chart for his weight!  He definitely is getting harder and harder to pick up and hold.  He also wears a size 8 toddler shoe.  He was always a big boy!

We got a special holiday and birthday package from my Mom on Wednesday.  So EZ got to open a few more gifts, which he enjoyed!  Grandmother sent us this little dancing and singing Christmas tree too, which EZ both loved and hated.  Here's some of that experience.

His actual birthday 12-18-14, wasn't super exciting for the most part.  John had to work and I had a dentist appointment, so EZ got to hang out at his grandparents for a while.  He does really love it there though!  John's work had a Christmas party at Fat Cats that night so we got to do something fun at least!  Free Costa Vida and free bowling is right up my alley!  -No pun intended.  Sadly though EZ did not have a good time.  He clung to John and just whined and whimpered the whole time.  He's still not a big fan of new places with lots of noise and people.

Lastly, on top of everything else this week, we've been sick!  It hasn't been the worst colds ever thankfully but still, super sucky to be sick!  I had 3 different dentist appointments this week and having a sore throat and cough didn't make them any easier.  But we powered through it.  Hopefully we're all healthy and well by Christmas.

Anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY SON!  I can't believe it's been 2 years already.  My life really changed for the better when you came along.  I love watching you learn and grow.  You make our family feel complete.  Although we'll probably give you a sibling someday!

Love you