My miscarriage

My Own Personal Hell... Here is another personal and emotionally post. This is a sad story and quite graphic, just to warn you. Guys, you won't want to read this!

Well, my husband and I have been thinking about starting a family soon. Since he turned 30 he's been very eager to have kids. He was a little more ready than I was. We decided to start trying early next year. In my head I thought it would be a good idea to be off birth control for around 6 months or so before. So, that is what I did. Early August I stopped using it and I had my first period since pretty much right on time in September. John and I were mindful and being careful and I was using a cool fertility app on my phone. Well, it came time for me to start my next period in October but I did not start. I was about 2 weeks late so after talking with a friend about what was going on, she convinced me to buy a pregnancy test, or two. In my head I knew that that had to be impossible. So I bought a couple tests and took one the next morning. (this was Oct. 20th) It almost immediately came out positive. I stared in shock and horror as I came to the realization that I was pregnant. I kept telling myself that it was wrong somehow and there must be a mistake. I was happy, don't get me wrong, just shocked! I went ahead and took the second test 15 minutes later but it had the same results. So, I went into my bedroom to wake up my husband and tell him. He sat up and gave me a big hug and I just started crying. I was so scared. We had no insurance and no doctor. We were not prepared AT ALL and I was not ready emotionally. So, I did not tell anyone because I needed time to understand and adjust. In the mean time we were trying to qualify for insurance and find a doctor without telling too many people. I was also afraid that if I had a miscarriage (which i knew to be really common) I didn't want the whole world knowing I was pregnant and asking me about it everyday then have to go through telling everyone I miscarried.. you know, IF I did.

We finally made an appointment to see a doctor. They said I would be 10 weeks when I came in. I didn't know I was that far along. I started looking things up online and learned that at 10 weeks we should be able to hear a heart beat. So, we went in and they tried to find it but they didn't. They said the baby might just be too far back and to come back in 2 weeks when it's a little bigger and they'll be able to hear it for sure. I was very anxious those 2 weeks and became very excited about the whole thing! I was going to be due June 15 which sounded perfect! So after the two weeks were up we went in early in the morning and again tried to hear that heart beat but it still didn't pick up anything. The nurse grabbed an ultrasound machine that was very old. We saw the baby but we couldn't see anything moving so we went to another room with a newer and nicer and better ultrasound machine. We still couldn't see any movement so the lady measured it and sadly announced that the baby only measured about 8 weeks. Basically, it wasn't alive anymore and I would have to have a miscarriage. We were devastated. We went home and I just cried and cried. Even though I didn't think I wanted a baby, I knew right then that I really really did. I did not want to have to go through a miscarriage. Plus, this was a surprise because I always thought miscarriages happened on their own so it freaked me out a little that it was still in me.

They said there were 2 ways of forcing a miscarriage. One would be to take some pills that would force me to bleed and I would pass it. It would be painful and long in process. The other way would be surgery, a D&C. Our finances cannot support a major surgery so we decided on the pills. I took the first dose Sunday morning and the second 12 hours later. We had read online of other people's stories and all the symptoms I should have been feeling were not happening. Nothing was happening. So we talked to our gynecology place and they said I could take another dose and that should do it. Well, I took it on Monday and still nothing happened. I was so frustrated at this point. I had just sat around for 48 hours waiting for pain or something, anything to happen. I just wanted it to be over!

I wasn't against having the surgery, I just didn't want to if I didn't have to! So we talked to some family who have been through similar experiences and one option that we hadn't been told of was to take the pills vaginally. Our nurse/doctor said I could do that and try it this one last time. So, this was now Saturday that I planned to take the 5th and 6th dose of pills. I worked that day and John was scheduled to work both Saturday and Sunday from 2-10. I wanted to do it over the weekend so I wouldn't have to take off too much work. Well, I got home from work and took the pills vaginally (awkward as it was) and nothing really happened til the second dose, which I took 3 hours later (at 10pm). I began to feel lots of pain. Major cramping and horrible contractions. Like the most intense awful period times 100. John was finally home from work at about 10:20 and did all he could to help me. The pain got so bad that I took some lore-tabs but I did not keep them down. A side effect from the pills can be vomiting. A little bit after I threw up I took some more pain killers but shortly threw up again. Since I couldn't keep the pills down I could not ease the pain and it was so unbearable. Worst pain of my life. I was crying, screaming, writhing in pain. I couldn't hardly walk or breathe. Then my hands became tingly and numb and John said I was hyperventilating and I needed to slow down my breathing and try to relax. I think that scared me even further because then my fingers and hands became still and retarded like. It was so freaky so he grabbed me a bag to breathe in and out of but the pain of the contractions were taking over my ability to breathe slowly. My fingers started getting better but then they would go back to stiff. At this point I was almost in shock and John, being the awesome guy he is, picked me up and took me out to our car and drove me to the ER. We might have been able to get through it on our own but I seriously wanted to die. I wanted to pass out or get drugs pumped in me. I wasn't very aware of my surroundings (John said he was going 60 mph when driving to the hospital, I didn't notice) and could not keep from crouching over. It took a few minutes to get checked in but once they took me to a bed and laid me down I started feeling a little better and I felt a release. I wasn't bleeding yet but it felt like I was. A few more release feelings came and I didn't know what the heck was going on down there but it was making me feel a little better. They put an IV in me and said they needed to switch beds so they could do a pelvic exam and see if they could move the miscarriage along or see if I would need the surgery. So they got the other bed and as soon as I stood up, out came the blood. I actually felt kinda bad that it got everywhere. Also at this point I did not care about my modesty (something I never thought I could get past) They pulled the curtain back so as not to draw attention to me but I was like whatever just do what ya gotta do! They put me in a different room that had an actual door and bathroom. They gave me some morphine because even though I was feeling better I was still freaking out a little and feeling some pain. Once that kicked in pretty much everything was better. The doctor came in and checked me, said I was passing it and he did what he did to help me. I didn't even feel anything and we think he got it all out. What a mess! We waited just a little longer to observe me but I was feeling great and so relieved that it was over and just so happy that the pain was gone and it was over!!!

We left the ER at about 3 in the morning. We came home and I fell right to sleep. I've got to take it easy for a few days so I'm not going to work, I am just sitting on the couch. So here I am with not much to do other than write out my sad story. I cannot believe the stuff women go through. They said half of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage and about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's a lot more common than people think. I just hope I do not have to go through this ever again. I told John (more than once) that I'll just get the D&C next time if there ever is a next time. Hopefully this is the only time. The pain was outrageous. I was pretty much in labor without any meds. In fact my mother told me that it was probably worse than labor. I can't imagine a worse pain.

Well, we still want kids and I'm still willing to try again but we have to wait about 2-3 months til we can try. I don't think John is too happy about that... and so what that its a little later than we were hoping. It'll happen. I'm grateful that if I was meant to have a miscarriage, that it happened before we even meant to get pregnant. Although I'm sad and disappointed, I'm grateful for this experience too. I know now that I really really want kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever want them as badly as I do now. Also, we now have time to prepare and get better insurance and really plan the way we meant to in the first place. Once we do have a kid too, I can stop working!!! If I would have delivered in June, I most likely would have to go back to work and I so did not want to do that. So, there is good and bad on both sides of it. Like I said before, I'm just grateful to be able to finally move on from this. What a relief that its all over!