Don't hold your breath

I'm feeling all sorts of things today.  Mostly bad, but some very good.  I'm not sure where to start.  I purposefully woke up at 5 am today so I could be tired early tonight.  I am waking up even earlier tomorrow to catch an early flight to Texas.  My siblings and I are surprising my oldest sister for her birthday.  It is beyond amazing that we were all able to take a few days and do this for her.  She has really been missing us too and I know it will mean the world to her.  It's been about 2 and a half years since I've seen her.  I'm not taking EZ, even though she hasn't actually met him yet.  We are just going for the weekend and no spouses or kids included.  I can't wait.  It's going to blow her socks off!

I am a little worried about leaving my boy behind.  I've never been away from him before!  He will be with his dad and perfectly fine, I'm sure...  Still, it's hard the first time.  I don't know what else I can say, except I hope John doesn't go crazy!!

Well after I woke up I took a pregnancy test.  We have been trying for a few months but no success yet.  I knew I was supposed to start my cycle soon but I wanted to find out one way or the other before my trip tomorrow.  With a very hopeful heart I eagerly waited and all too quickly found out that I was in deed, not pregnant, again.  I'm sort of used to the disappointment now.  Lo and behold about an hour later I started my period.  A day early too, ugh!  So, I just don't know why it's taking so long.  The first time I got pregnant, it was such a surprise.  I mean, we were being very careful!  Then I had my miscarriage.  After being perfectly careful for 3 months, I got pregnant immediately with Ezekiel!  One and done.  I've been off birth control for 4 months.  If I didn't get pregnant so easily the first couple times, I wouldn't feel so worried now.  I mean, we are actively trying.  I just don't get it.

I thought writing about it might be cathartic.  I do feel a little better.  I know it's not fair to assume it'll be so easy every time, it isn't for so many others.  I guess I'm just a little annoyed that I think I can't feel that badly or be that concerned because I have to compare myself to other people and have to understand that my feelings are useless.  Well, pain is pain!  With all the other crap that has been going on lately, I just wanted this one thing I thought I could have.  I thought it would be something I could control.  The only thing I could control... but, it's becoming a dream.  Like so many other things.  Plus I hate it when people say, "it's all on the Lord's timing."  Honestly?  Do people believe that?  You think I have to go through some test or something?  Personally, I believe God wants to send down as many children as possible.  It's science that makes it happen or not.  Maybe that's just me.  But we all know the best people in the world who can't have children and some of the worst that do.  Science.

Anyway, again it just feels like I'm waiting to be happy.  Everything is out of my control.  I HATE that feeling.  I really want to go back to work too, and I can't.  John is too busy with school and work, I couldn't possibly have any type of job right now.  Plus for some reason the people at Fantastic Sams don't seem too interested in having me back.  Ha, their loss.  I'm awesome!  Blah, anyway.... I really really want to move this summer.  I don't care where, as long as the house is bigger and preferably nicer.  I am all set to start packing and de-junking and fixing our place up for someone else to take over.  Then the other day John said he thinks we are going to live here for 3 more years.  WHAT?!?!  I could not handle that so I changed the subject and haven't brought it up since!  Writing all this reminds me of a post I wrote a long time back about how tired I was of the constant struggle of life.  It is too damn hard for some of us.  We work ourselves tirelessly and get such little reward.  We try and try and give and give and are blessed with more trying and giving.  What?  Where is the happy?  Where is the joy?  People will work all year long to take one small vacation a year?  If that??  How is it that I haven't seen my sister in almost 3 years and she hasn't even met the last 3 kids born in my family?  There is too much mediocre.  Boo!  There is too much waiting for things to get better.  Boo!  I know I am past my prime, hello!  I am only going to get older, fatter, wrinklier, weaker, more tired, more cranky, bla bla bla.  Every time I vent like this I feel like I have to make myself sound better and not so miserable by acknowledging the blessings in my life.  Yeah I know, it could (and often does) always get worse and I am grateful for the small and simple things.  Just be patient with me, I actually do know how to be positive.  But this time, I just feel like sulking.  I'm tired of fooling myself.  Just deal with the pain already.  Accept it.  That's what I'm choosing to do this time.  Sorry if you expected more, then you fooled yourself too.

And only because I want to end on a more positive note, check this out

 

I am posting this the day after I wrote it so as not to spoil the surprise for my sister.  Plus, by then, I'll be in a much happier place, emotionally!  But look at us, we know how to have fun :)