Hello People Who Read My Blog,
It has been a while. Now that all the busy stuff is over I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. It's been great! But uneventful... so I don't have much to say. I've never been one to say much on the blog anyway. I don't typically like to use it as a journal. I don't think anyone is that interested in me and frankly I don't know if I want them to be. However, I've been thinking of giving it a try. I might regret this but oh well I only have 8 followers and only like 1 of them ever comments so... I know not many people will really read this.
Life has been pretty good. For the most part. Some things have been hard. My biggest challenge is not letting myself compare myself to other people. Maybe it's just living in Utah where everyone seems really put together. I find myself envying a lot of people. I hate that I do that and I know my husband hates it too. I am a happy person and I love and appreciate a lot of what I have. I know I am fortunate. Life just seems unfair sometimes. I feel pretty happy with how things are right now but I can't help but feel that I won't be totally happy until this or that happens.
Maybe I am selfish, I don't know. But I just feel stuck. I've been at my job not advancing for over the last 3 years.... I have no other skills or hobbies because they are expensive... I can't finish school because all the money I make goes to my husband's education right now.... We can't start a family until the husband works full time and I don't have to.... I hardly ever get to see my family.... I can't lose the extra weight I've put on since getting married.... I can't have my own washer and dryer inside my house unless we move but we can't move because we have a mortgage that's losing money.... I don't have a local best friend.... I can't find a way to get my cats from not being afraid of me.... and I have a ton of grey hair and I'm only 27. Ok so not all these things are bad. At least I have a job, at least my husband is doing what he loves, at least I have food to eat, at least I have a good family that I want to see, at least I can do more than one load of laundry at a time, at least I have a few good friends and at least I can color my hair easily and for cheap! I get it. So why am I still so down? Because I compare myself to the younger, thinner, more successful people around me with beautiful homes and families. I feel like they judge me. A friend once told me that I have to understand that those people have challenges too. Easier said then done right? Do these feelings ever go away?
I know the answers. I just don't want them I guess. But like I said, I am positive and I am happy. I try not to think too much about what I want because then I get discouraged. I don't know if this post was worth it but maybe someone will tell me they've been there and life does get better!
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Life
Posted by Jade at 3:29 PM
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6 comments:
I'm sorry Jade! We're kind of stuck too. I can't even see the light at the end of the tunnel from where we are. We're still dirt poor, I feel like we owe everyone and their dog money and we almost lost the house.
I understand what you mean about blogging too. I often feel like there's not point with my blogs. No one ever comments, and it gets really discouraging.
Sorry this probably doesn't do much to cheer you up. Just know we're here for you guys if you need anything. Even if we both don't know if it gets any better, at least we can stick out the worse parts together :)
I'm commenting! I really feel for you Jade. What's helped me is making some close friends in my ward. But I'll be honest, it was really hard to do when I didn't have a kid. After I had one, then I started getting to know more families.
But, we all go through our own experiences. Life will seem unfair at times, and yes, you wish that you could have something better (I know I have many times). Just remember to be the stronger one, show lots of confidence in yourself so you can advance in your own career, and pray to your Heavenly Father for patience.
Then once your husband is done with school, move down to Phoenix, and we will be besties!!!
Tricia, that was helpful actually. I feel so out of the loop with you. It has been so long since I've seen you. I would love to get together and bicker! te he
Becky, thanks for commenting! I definitely need to be praying for support. It just feels like years since I had a real best friend. If you find any awesome nursing jobs in about 18 months from now, we'll move there!
Jade, I have to say that this post is very honest and brave. I know that I have felt all of the above. I think the comparing never has really stopped for me. I wish too that I could be skinny like some, prettier like others and sometimes wish for a different time in my life. I have learned that everyone goes through different things in life at different times. As far as the best friend thing goes, I personally don't think that part of life is the same after your married. It's not easy to make friends that are just yours anymore. KWIM? Anyway, hang in there! Thanks for the refreshing honesty.
I think anyone who read your post can so relate. It's hard to remember when you are going through all these things, that a lot of women have felt the same way. I don't know what it is about us that makes us compare our lives, all that we are, to other women. Why must we think we are less- some how-because we can't do, don't look, aren't as creative,
as the other women we know. We all have wonderful qualities that makes us who we are. And, I have found that sometime we don't even know that others compare themselves to us.
Luckily, I didn't live in Utah in my mid twenties and early thirties. I could see how watching people buy homes, have kids, and "seem" to be pulled together, would hit on the self-esteem a little. We didn't own our own home/apt until we were 33. We waited 5yrs to have a baby(we were planning on another yr) because of school and finances. I've never been as skinny as others and sometimes that has bothered me. I left all my good/best friends in VA. and it has taken me years to feel like I have some here. But, here I am. In Utah. Not where I thought I would be, where I would be raising my kids. It has taken me almost 8yrs to face this fact. This is where I live. This is how my life is playing out. What am I going to do with it?
I've have found that living for the future is hard. Living for that day, when all will be as it should be, brings on disappointment. Life changes, things happen and then life again doesn't go as planned. Challenges happen to everyone--if we want them or not. We need to remember that the only control we have, is over ourselves. The only way we can change for the better or worse, is because of the choices we are making. I would suggest that prayer and faith come into play a lot here. We have to know that there is a plan for us and our family. That the things we are doing, the choices we are making, are made from a place of thought, prayer, and love. Sometimes it is hard to wait. To feel like you just want to get on with it. But, if we wish away now, what lessons will we be taking with us later? We won't have anything to stand on. Struggles that we can look back at, that will help us conquer what is to come.
You are so not alone in your feelings!! They are valid and you are so brave to write them down for others to read. As my Dad would say, "Keep doing, what you've "got" to do." It will pass more quickly then you think.
Jade, you became my bf a long time ago. You have no idea how much I miss you.
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