Nerves

Ever since my miscarriage I've been afraid of the future. Afraid of going through something like that again. Afraid that we will never be able to have kids. Afraid that I will do something wrong and they will be gone. Afraid that nothing will work out.... I really have a big fear of getting pregnant again and losing it, again. It will cross my mind everyday because life is seriously so precious and could end at any time and we have very limited control. Life isn't fair and sorrow will always come. I can't shake the nerves... So is the trial of our faith...

When I'm feeling anxious I make myself put it aside because I can't think like that. It's not healthy and it won't do me any good. I've tried to distract myself with putting friends first. But this has been difficult too because it seems like everyone is going through pain. It's like all I ever hear is sad news. Family members who are so sick it's scary. Friends having marriage problems. People who have lost children. Many friends are having fertility challenges. I also have a friend my age going through chemo-therapy treatments for cancer. What is going on? Why is life this hard?

I want to go hide somewhere safe

....at least I'm not being chased by zombies

SPRING BREAK!!!

I guess it's about time for another blog post. I have been waiting for something interesting to say and I guess I finally do. No, it's not what you're thinking but, hopefully soon!

This week was Spring Break! John has this whole week off so I decided to take some time off too so we could spend what might be our last freedoms together. That sounds confusing. What I mean is this week was our last known chance to be able to do something wild and crazy before he gets busier with school or before we have kids. My original plan was to go on a cruise and maybe check out Harry Potter world in Florida, but sadly we once again cannot afford to do something that lavish. So, instead we decided to go to St. George and go skydiving and out to eat and stay at a hotel and all that but the more we thought about it, we realized all that stuff we wanted to do we could do at home. I was not thrilled to vacation at home, but I thought I'd give it a chance. I did like the sound of being able to sleep in my own bed and not be spending hours in the car or paying out at the gas pumps. So, here is how we spent our week...

Monday: A relaxing day off catching up on cleaning, errands, laundry, whatever. I did not get out of my pj's the whole day. Didn't even put on a bra! It felt good to be a bum for a day.

Tuesday: Had a little work out in the morning then out to lunch at Rubio's. Went to see John Carter, and it was actually a lot better than I thought. Go see it! Afterwards we got frozen yogurt then made a quick trip to Wal-Mart. Then I gave John a hair cut and he went to play basketball. I usually never go watch him because it's late and I usually get up early and go to work the next day. Since we didn't have to get up early at all, I went to watch him for a little while to take some videos of his skills. He always tells me he plays better when I am there. I like to think I am his good luck charm!

Wednesday: Went to Salt Lake and got to-die-for massages. Went out to eat at a place called The Copper Onion, so good! Checked in at The Anniversary Inn. Wasn't too impressed but still had a nice time until we tried to fall asleep. I guess that hotel isn't really one for sleeping... we heard people coming in and out and in and out of the back door (which our room was right next to) as well as the people upstairs 'building shelves' as John put it and cars driving by on the roads outside. At 12:30 John asks if I want to just go home. It'd been about an hour that we were trying to fall asleep. At first I refused because it's a lot of money and dang it, I like to get my money's worth! But after thinking it through I agreed. I realized it would be better to go home early and get some sleep and miss out of the lame breakfast rather than get hardly any sleep and eat a lame breakfast and just go home after that. So we checked out and got home around 1:30 am.

Thursday: Woke up just before 11 and got ready then went to breakfast at Village Inn then off to the Provo Temple. We originally planned to go to the Salt Lake temple after we checked out of the hotel because we have never been but since we came home early, we didn't want to drive all they way back up to Salt Lake just for that and come right back home. So, some other time. Later, John got new tires put on my car and my friend, Amber came over to watch our show, The Vampire Diaries.

Friday: Today. I decided not to take the whole week off because well hey, I am the sole provider right now and I really should not not work and spend money... So I am working tonight and tomorrow. John is going to study in the meantime and get whatever done he still needs to do before going back to school next week.

We had a nice relaxing week and I'm so glad we took this time to be together just he and I before adding more madness into the mix! Sorry I have no pictures... Oh I so do not want to go back to work today either. I never want to work again!! And I still want to go on a cruise someday but John says once he's making $100,000 a year we can do whatever we want. He is more patient than I am...