Nerves

Ever since my miscarriage I've been afraid of the future. Afraid of going through something like that again. Afraid that we will never be able to have kids. Afraid that I will do something wrong and they will be gone. Afraid that nothing will work out.... I really have a big fear of getting pregnant again and losing it, again. It will cross my mind everyday because life is seriously so precious and could end at any time and we have very limited control. Life isn't fair and sorrow will always come. I can't shake the nerves... So is the trial of our faith...

When I'm feeling anxious I make myself put it aside because I can't think like that. It's not healthy and it won't do me any good. I've tried to distract myself with putting friends first. But this has been difficult too because it seems like everyone is going through pain. It's like all I ever hear is sad news. Family members who are so sick it's scary. Friends having marriage problems. People who have lost children. Many friends are having fertility challenges. I also have a friend my age going through chemo-therapy treatments for cancer. What is going on? Why is life this hard?

I want to go hide somewhere safe

....at least I'm not being chased by zombies