My miscarriage

My Own Personal Hell... Here is another personal and emotionally post. This is a sad story and quite graphic, just to warn you. Guys, you won't want to read this!

Well, my husband and I have been thinking about starting a family soon. Since he turned 30 he's been very eager to have kids. He was a little more ready than I was. We decided to start trying early next year. In my head I thought it would be a good idea to be off birth control for around 6 months or so before. So, that is what I did. Early August I stopped using it and I had my first period since pretty much right on time in September. John and I were mindful and being careful and I was using a cool fertility app on my phone. Well, it came time for me to start my next period in October but I did not start. I was about 2 weeks late so after talking with a friend about what was going on, she convinced me to buy a pregnancy test, or two. In my head I knew that that had to be impossible. So I bought a couple tests and took one the next morning. (this was Oct. 20th) It almost immediately came out positive. I stared in shock and horror as I came to the realization that I was pregnant. I kept telling myself that it was wrong somehow and there must be a mistake. I was happy, don't get me wrong, just shocked! I went ahead and took the second test 15 minutes later but it had the same results. So, I went into my bedroom to wake up my husband and tell him. He sat up and gave me a big hug and I just started crying. I was so scared. We had no insurance and no doctor. We were not prepared AT ALL and I was not ready emotionally. So, I did not tell anyone because I needed time to understand and adjust. In the mean time we were trying to qualify for insurance and find a doctor without telling too many people. I was also afraid that if I had a miscarriage (which i knew to be really common) I didn't want the whole world knowing I was pregnant and asking me about it everyday then have to go through telling everyone I miscarried.. you know, IF I did.

We finally made an appointment to see a doctor. They said I would be 10 weeks when I came in. I didn't know I was that far along. I started looking things up online and learned that at 10 weeks we should be able to hear a heart beat. So, we went in and they tried to find it but they didn't. They said the baby might just be too far back and to come back in 2 weeks when it's a little bigger and they'll be able to hear it for sure. I was very anxious those 2 weeks and became very excited about the whole thing! I was going to be due June 15 which sounded perfect! So after the two weeks were up we went in early in the morning and again tried to hear that heart beat but it still didn't pick up anything. The nurse grabbed an ultrasound machine that was very old. We saw the baby but we couldn't see anything moving so we went to another room with a newer and nicer and better ultrasound machine. We still couldn't see any movement so the lady measured it and sadly announced that the baby only measured about 8 weeks. Basically, it wasn't alive anymore and I would have to have a miscarriage. We were devastated. We went home and I just cried and cried. Even though I didn't think I wanted a baby, I knew right then that I really really did. I did not want to have to go through a miscarriage. Plus, this was a surprise because I always thought miscarriages happened on their own so it freaked me out a little that it was still in me.

They said there were 2 ways of forcing a miscarriage. One would be to take some pills that would force me to bleed and I would pass it. It would be painful and long in process. The other way would be surgery, a D&C. Our finances cannot support a major surgery so we decided on the pills. I took the first dose Sunday morning and the second 12 hours later. We had read online of other people's stories and all the symptoms I should have been feeling were not happening. Nothing was happening. So we talked to our gynecology place and they said I could take another dose and that should do it. Well, I took it on Monday and still nothing happened. I was so frustrated at this point. I had just sat around for 48 hours waiting for pain or something, anything to happen. I just wanted it to be over!

I wasn't against having the surgery, I just didn't want to if I didn't have to! So we talked to some family who have been through similar experiences and one option that we hadn't been told of was to take the pills vaginally. Our nurse/doctor said I could do that and try it this one last time. So, this was now Saturday that I planned to take the 5th and 6th dose of pills. I worked that day and John was scheduled to work both Saturday and Sunday from 2-10. I wanted to do it over the weekend so I wouldn't have to take off too much work. Well, I got home from work and took the pills vaginally (awkward as it was) and nothing really happened til the second dose, which I took 3 hours later (at 10pm). I began to feel lots of pain. Major cramping and horrible contractions. Like the most intense awful period times 100. John was finally home from work at about 10:20 and did all he could to help me. The pain got so bad that I took some lore-tabs but I did not keep them down. A side effect from the pills can be vomiting. A little bit after I threw up I took some more pain killers but shortly threw up again. Since I couldn't keep the pills down I could not ease the pain and it was so unbearable. Worst pain of my life. I was crying, screaming, writhing in pain. I couldn't hardly walk or breathe. Then my hands became tingly and numb and John said I was hyperventilating and I needed to slow down my breathing and try to relax. I think that scared me even further because then my fingers and hands became still and retarded like. It was so freaky so he grabbed me a bag to breathe in and out of but the pain of the contractions were taking over my ability to breathe slowly. My fingers started getting better but then they would go back to stiff. At this point I was almost in shock and John, being the awesome guy he is, picked me up and took me out to our car and drove me to the ER. We might have been able to get through it on our own but I seriously wanted to die. I wanted to pass out or get drugs pumped in me. I wasn't very aware of my surroundings (John said he was going 60 mph when driving to the hospital, I didn't notice) and could not keep from crouching over. It took a few minutes to get checked in but once they took me to a bed and laid me down I started feeling a little better and I felt a release. I wasn't bleeding yet but it felt like I was. A few more release feelings came and I didn't know what the heck was going on down there but it was making me feel a little better. They put an IV in me and said they needed to switch beds so they could do a pelvic exam and see if they could move the miscarriage along or see if I would need the surgery. So they got the other bed and as soon as I stood up, out came the blood. I actually felt kinda bad that it got everywhere. Also at this point I did not care about my modesty (something I never thought I could get past) They pulled the curtain back so as not to draw attention to me but I was like whatever just do what ya gotta do! They put me in a different room that had an actual door and bathroom. They gave me some morphine because even though I was feeling better I was still freaking out a little and feeling some pain. Once that kicked in pretty much everything was better. The doctor came in and checked me, said I was passing it and he did what he did to help me. I didn't even feel anything and we think he got it all out. What a mess! We waited just a little longer to observe me but I was feeling great and so relieved that it was over and just so happy that the pain was gone and it was over!!!

We left the ER at about 3 in the morning. We came home and I fell right to sleep. I've got to take it easy for a few days so I'm not going to work, I am just sitting on the couch. So here I am with not much to do other than write out my sad story. I cannot believe the stuff women go through. They said half of all first time pregnancies end in miscarriage and about 1 in 4 pregnancies end in miscarriage. It's a lot more common than people think. I just hope I do not have to go through this ever again. I told John (more than once) that I'll just get the D&C next time if there ever is a next time. Hopefully this is the only time. The pain was outrageous. I was pretty much in labor without any meds. In fact my mother told me that it was probably worse than labor. I can't imagine a worse pain.

Well, we still want kids and I'm still willing to try again but we have to wait about 2-3 months til we can try. I don't think John is too happy about that... and so what that its a little later than we were hoping. It'll happen. I'm grateful that if I was meant to have a miscarriage, that it happened before we even meant to get pregnant. Although I'm sad and disappointed, I'm grateful for this experience too. I know now that I really really want kids. I wasn't sure I'd ever want them as badly as I do now. Also, we now have time to prepare and get better insurance and really plan the way we meant to in the first place. Once we do have a kid too, I can stop working!!! If I would have delivered in June, I most likely would have to go back to work and I so did not want to do that. So, there is good and bad on both sides of it. Like I said before, I'm just grateful to be able to finally move on from this. What a relief that its all over!

DORITOS!!!

WATCH THIS
http://www.crashthesuperbowl.com/#/gallery?video=16485

Click on 'watch this'! It's a doritos commercial my brother made. The more views it gets the better chance it will have to air during the super bowl rewarding my brother a million bucks!!! He deserves it!!

Breaking Dawn

This picture is cute!! I love movies and so it is easy for me to post something about them. Saw Breaking Dawn on Saturday, yeah I waited til Saturday can you believe that?? I gotta say it lives up to the book and was very very good! Could of had less skin on the honeymoon but whatever... I am excited for the next one and bummed it's not for another freakin year!

Halloween pumpkins

For the last couple years at work we've painted pumpkins for October. It's a lot of fun and the competition gets harder and harder. This year I did R2D2. This was my least favorite of mine actually. The first year was by far my best and last year was good too. I think I'm out of good ideas. That is why I only placed 4th. Here's the little guy,


I thought I'd post the other girl's pumpkins because they were all so good. The angry bird won. Aren't they cute?

Some things as of late...

First off, thanks for the comments and words of inspiration from my last post. It was much needed and seemed well recepted. I'm encouraged and will try to find more meaningful things to say!

So I just thought I'd post some pictures of happenings lately. The first is to state something John has done with his birthday money. He bought 2 suits (which were greatly needed). I only have a picture of 1 however. His other suit is a light grey almost cream color. It's pretty awesome. He didn't like posing for me but here he is anyway.
Handsome guy!

So I have cats and they are so fun. They love to do random things like climb up our drapes and hang out on the curtain rod...

Something else we're really into is cooking. Well it comes and it goes. It mostly comes when John watches a lot of Food Network and wants to create meals he sees. Ever watch Good Eats with Alton Brown? Oh yeah!!! If it looks good to me then we both get inspired! So, we did this pretty much... minus the home made tortillas and use of tequila...


Ours:

For some reason I can't remember we decided to also do some sweet pulled pork tacos. We got that recipe from a blog who copied it from Costa Vida's recipe (or close to it). It was a yummy food night! The pulled pork looked so delicious, I had to take a picture of it,


The second time we made the pork we tried it with nachos and tostadas. Also very very yummy!!! BUT this time just yesterday I told John I wanted to try the pork in enchiladas. I think he was a little hesitant but I just knew I could do it. My mom made Mexican food A LOT and although she didn't force me to learn from her, I think I caught on to a thing or two. Once the pork was done slow cooking, I made the enchiladas. They had the sweet pork, lots of cheese, a few black beans inside and on top we did a drop of sour cream and some black olives, as well as some rice and beans on the side to give it that restaurant look (even with the melted cheese on the frijoles). John was impressed and surprised and complimented me by saying it was his favorite thing I've ever made and also the best thing I've ever made. I was a little surprised too! I took a few bites before realizing I should take a picture but here is that picture,


That's it for now, more to come another time probably soon!

Life

Hello People Who Read My Blog,
It has been a while. Now that all the busy stuff is over I've been doing a whole lot of nothing. It's been great! But uneventful... so I don't have much to say. I've never been one to say much on the blog anyway. I don't typically like to use it as a journal. I don't think anyone is that interested in me and frankly I don't know if I want them to be. However, I've been thinking of giving it a try. I might regret this but oh well I only have 8 followers and only like 1 of them ever comments so... I know not many people will really read this.

Life has been pretty good. For the most part. Some things have been hard. My biggest challenge is not letting myself compare myself to other people. Maybe it's just living in Utah where everyone seems really put together. I find myself envying a lot of people. I hate that I do that and I know my husband hates it too. I am a happy person and I love and appreciate a lot of what I have. I know I am fortunate. Life just seems unfair sometimes. I feel pretty happy with how things are right now but I can't help but feel that I won't be totally happy until this or that happens.

Maybe I am selfish, I don't know. But I just feel stuck. I've been at my job not advancing for over the last 3 years.... I have no other skills or hobbies because they are expensive... I can't finish school because all the money I make goes to my husband's education right now.... We can't start a family until the husband works full time and I don't have to.... I hardly ever get to see my family.... I can't lose the extra weight I've put on since getting married.... I can't have my own washer and dryer inside my house unless we move but we can't move because we have a mortgage that's losing money.... I don't have a local best friend.... I can't find a way to get my cats from not being afraid of me.... and I have a ton of grey hair and I'm only 27. Ok so not all these things are bad. At least I have a job, at least my husband is doing what he loves, at least I have food to eat, at least I have a good family that I want to see, at least I can do more than one load of laundry at a time, at least I have a few good friends and at least I can color my hair easily and for cheap! I get it. So why am I still so down? Because I compare myself to the younger, thinner, more successful people around me with beautiful homes and families. I feel like they judge me. A friend once told me that I have to understand that those people have challenges too. Easier said then done right? Do these feelings ever go away?

I know the answers. I just don't want them I guess. But like I said, I am positive and I am happy. I try not to think too much about what I want because then I get discouraged. I don't know if this post was worth it but maybe someone will tell me they've been there and life does get better!

John's 30th birthday (part 2)

ACOUSTIC NIGHT!!! This is what you're missing out on when you don't come...

Untitled from Jade Lewis on Vimeo.

Untitled from Jade Lewis on Vimeo.

John's 30th Birthday!!!!!! (part 1)

ON TUESDAY AUGUST 16TH, 2011, MY JOHN TURNED THE BIG 3-0!!! He said he didn't want to do anything big for his birthday and it wasn't a big deal. YEAH RIGHT!! I was determined to do something insane! I had lots of ideas and of coarse whenever I asked him what he thought he shot me down. As discouraging as that seemed to be, I refused to not do something! Well one day at work I had a client tell me about a place he likes to take his son, an indoor trampoline place called, Jump On It. That's when I knew... I had seen the place and always wanted to check it out and if you remember my 25th birthday party where John threw me a surprise party at Nicklecade, -a kid's place, I thought it would suit well to have John's 30th birthday at a kid place! So, I reserved a room, made John's special "killer brownies" (his favorite dessert as a kid, that he often made himself, from scratch!), called and messaged his friends- specifically the ones he plays basketball with, and blindfolded him the whole way there! He was very surprised and I could tell he had a blast. He said over and over that night that he couldn't say enough times what a great job I did celebrating his birthday!
lookin' pretty killer

But let's back up a bit and start with the beginning. Actually, I'll let this video explain it...

Untitled from Jade Lewis on Vimeo.

That's right ya'll! I opened a secret bank account over 2 years ago where I stashed extra tip money away and saved it all for John's 30th birthday. He never ever buys anything for himself so he's having a hard time deciding what to do with it but that's ok. I'm glad he's not out blowing it on the first shiny thing he sees! I picked a good one!
go ahead and count it!

After his present, we went out to the Bombay House, an Indian food place...NOT my favorite but that day was about John so that's where we ate and I ended up really liking my food! It probably helped that I was starving!!


We came back home and then you know the rest, he put on the blindfold and we headed to Jump On It! Here's our good times there,



Happy Birthday Babe, I love you!!!

This Summer

As you all know, this summer was wicked busy for me! It's just about all over and I couldn't be happier!! First off, school. School was a lot of work and I tried to squeeze in as much studying and preparation as I could even though it never felt like enough. I took two classes and miraculously and thankfully I finished with an A- and a B+!! I couldn't be happier about it!!

The family reunion was a blast! We ate a lot of good food and played games and went swimming. The only bad part about it was that John's father suddenly had pancreas problems and has been in the hospital for about the last 6 weeks. It was touch and go for a while there but thankfully he is on the mend and recovering quicker than expected. He should be going home soon.

Girls Camp. What can I say? It was fun, a lot better than I anticipated... although I didn't get much sleep and I got sick on the 3rd day. I guess I expected that! What I didn't expect was how much I would enjoy being around those girls. They were so fun and I could tell they liked me a lot. Most things went successfully, we only ran out of a few foods and had some other random leftovers but I think it all worked out. No one went hungry and no one really complained. One girl even said one of the meals was way better than she thought it would be! If nothing else, I got a lot of ideas for next year! I think my favorite part was on the last night right before testimony meeting the girls presented to me a camping chair which they all signed to me personally. It was awesome! A few of them stated that I was the best camp director ever! I guess I'm pretty grateful for the experience. My work even offered to pay for me to take the time off. That was sweet! Sometimes I secretly wish I will get called into young woman's... but then again I'm glad I don't have a new calling. I want to enjoy that freedom as long as possible! Oh and one or two more things to add on... When I got home from camp, I came home to flowers and candy! John was working that night sadly so we still didn't get to see each other for a few more hours. It was hard not being able to have ANY contact with him for about 5 days. That part I really didn't like.. Oh and the last thing, I went to bed that night at about 8 p.m. I didn't wake up til 8 a.m. That's how tired I was!

My birthday was pretty fun! I'm actually really excited to be 27! That day, the 29th of July, John and I went and bought me a new camera! It's pretty good. Not as great as I wanted but freak cameras are expensive! I can't justify spending like $800 on a camera even though I want to. Maybe someday when John's making lots of money as a nurse. Oh that reminds me, John got into Nursing school! He starts in a couple weeks! It will take about 20 months and then he's done!! We are so excited!! It's so nice to be able to see an end in sight!!! Anyway, so back to birthday. We went out to eat at The Cheesecake Factory. Our first time there and it was fabulous! I can't wait to go back!! After dinner we went to see Captain America, great show! I love super-hero movies!!! So, kind of a low-key birthday but it was exactly what I wanted so I loved it! Oh and we spent some of the day at the hospital visiting John's dad.

yay! new camera!

taken on my birthday!

Work is extra busy right now but all the bases are covered. So far so good! I'm making lots of tips so that's pretty awesome! I'm really liking work right now and I really like my crew. Even better is one of my girls who quit earlier this year has moved back to town and wants to come back to Fantastic Sams cause well let's face it, she loves me! I'm sure that's not the only reason, we are all so thrilled to have her back!

What am I leaving out...??

One Busy Summer

One reason why I am not posting much lately, besides not having a decent camera, is that I am sooo busy this summer... and not in a fun way. First off, I work full time and manage my store which in itself is A LOT! Second, I decided I wanted to go to school again since last summer worked out so great. I had a first block philosophy class and I have a online geology class. Thankfully the philosophy class is already over, as of a few days ago. I think I did well. The online class is another story. My first test is tomorrow... I am not great at Science, wish me luck! Next, this weekend John's family is having a reunion which should be fun and jam packed! One other thing I've been filling my time with is planning my ward's girls camp. I am the camp director and have about no clue what I'm supposed to do... The week after I get back I have my second test in the online class, then the following Friday is my birthday. I haven't given it much thought because its like the least important thing... John and I might go sky diving or something crazy. I'll let you guys know... Then in August my class will be ending so I will have my final to study for, August is also the busiest time of year for me at work, and it will be John's big birthday and I have so much to plan for that! It's going to be awesome and everyone in the world is invited! More to come later... It goes without saying that this is the least amount of fun I've had during any summer. I have never wanted summer to come to an end so quickly! If my descriptions weren't enough, here's the break down...

January (more like May)-July Plan Girls Camp
May 9-June 22th Philosophy class
May 9th-Aug 12th Online Geology class
July 1-4 Lewis Family Reunion
July 18-23 Attend Girls Camp
July 29th My birthday
August Work more than usual for 'Back To School'
August 16th John's Birthday

I look forward to September!

Update!

Hi everyone!
It's been a while...sorry. Still no new camera. Maybe for my birthday...in July.

ANYWAY, I just wanted to post that my amazing husband, John got a job recently! He quit Papa John's back in December and spent this last semester focusing on school. Which was hard for me being the only provider. I was feeling a little pressure and also feeling like I deserved to quit my job! Things are better now. I'm happy to stay where I am for at least 1 more year (maybe 1 1/2). John has been a certified nurse's assistant (CNA) for a while now but only just started doing something with it! He got a job at this place called Trinity Mission Health and Rehab Of Provo. He takes care of the elderly and handicapped people and he loves it! Really! He's surprised at how much he enjoys it and I'm surprised too! I could not bathe and monitor or whatever else he does to people, no thanks. Handling their hair is as far as I can go... But he comes home with great stories everyday. It's very humbling in a way. A lot of these people can't do much for themselves but they have great senses of humor and the ladies even flirt with John a little bit. So cute! I'm very happy for my husband and so glad that he chose to do something so meaningful. He gets a feeling of worth everyday. He's making a difference! What a great guy!

John is in school this summer and will apply for Nursing school in the fall. Wish him luck!

As for me, I too am going to school this summer. I am slowly working on getting an Associate Degree. I still work full time at Fantastic Sams. Just hit my 5 year mark back in March, crazy! I don't think I mentioned yet that I will be going to Girls Camp this summer. Yep, also crazy... I'm in charge. It's going to be a very busy summer for me!

Just felt like updating. I promise when that new camera gets here I'll start posting a lot more! On the topic, what's a good camera to get??? I will post a pic from just last night... I got bangs! I might cut more...getting used to it. This is a cell phone pic, don't judge!

More Jewelry!

Some bracelets...


And a very cool bird necklace


still needing a new camera...

New hobby sprung from an old hobby

It's been a long time since I posted anything. Sorry! I haven't been taking any pictures because my camera is stupid! Most of the pictures come out blurry or have terrible flash lighting. Someday when I get a nice new one I will take lots of pictures and post every week! I feel strongly about documenting and so I will start saving money for a new camera!

One thing I'll share with you that I've been up to lately is making jewelry. Back in junior high and a little in high school I made necklaces and bracelets. I proudly strutted my craftsmanship around school always showing off the bundle of choker length necklaces around my neck! It was very trendy to wear lots at a time (and I was totally hip!) These necklaces and bracelets were strictly small beads. I accumulated hundreds of these small beads and carried them with me throughout the years. They've been tucked away for so long because that cool fad that I once owned is totally out now! It's all about bulk, big and bulky. Which is cool actually, I love it! So a couple months ago I pulled out the old bead organizer storage dilly and dived back into my past. I discussed the makings of with fellow beaders and began incorporating some of the little stuff with the big stuff. I started adding chains to the mix and even feathers! I have just indulged and it's been soooo much fun! Of coarse some of the stuff I've made I really like and others I brake down and start over with. It's teaching me patience for one thing. It's hard not to spend all your money on beads too because shoot they can be expensive! Now all I have to do is be able to part with some of it and put it up for sale. So, I thought it would be a good idea to put up some pictures and show ya'll! Enjoy!

first off, feather earrings...that's right!




I have lots more but like I said, my camera is crap so I will put up more pictures at another time

The End to Two Thousand Ten

This is long overdue...
First off, after that sick discovery in our storage closet, John and I made an effort to clean out the closet and organize it really really well. That Tupperware is a dream. Although the best part was after everything was organized and put away, John looked down and saw some stuff on the ground. That stuff was ornaments! That's right, the angels didn't get thrown away like I thought. They must have fallen out of the box with the hole in it and I didn't notice at the time cause it was kinda dark out. Anyway, I jumped for joy! Also, my wonderful mom sent us new stockings of the same kind we lost and so, everything worked out! It's a Christmas miracle! Here's our cute tree and wreath. (Thanks to my brother Brett and his wife KT. Its still glowing you guys!)


The week of Christmas was a VERY stressful one. It started with a work crisis that lasted almost 2 days. Thankfully nothing tragic happened. Well on Tuesday, the 21st was mine and John's 3rd anniversary... and I had to work because of the crisis. So, we decided to celebrate it the next Tuesday... which I'll get to in a bit. The rest of the week was just busy busy busy. Christmas day was nice. I got John a waffle maker, he's been wanting one bad and so we had waffles. We went to his parents house and had waffles for breakfast! After chillin at the in-laws for a while, we met up with my brother Aaron and his wife and kids. We went to a movie and that was about it. We then went back to the in-laws for dinner and then went home. It was low key and way nice to relax.

So then Tuesday came around and we decided to celebrate our anniversary. We basically got errands done in the morning and afternoon then headed up to Salt Lake to see the Temple Square lights. John had never done that before and it had been about 8 years for me so we thought it would be nice and hey, free! After the lights we went out to eat at a place called Buca di Peppo. It's Italian and really good. However the service was not that great! Aren't my ear muffs cute!! (Thanks again Brett!)

As for the rest of the week we just played it low key as well. We stayed in for New Years Eve and Day and ate waffles and watched TV and played Tetris. Lots and lots of waffles and lots and lots of tetris... and its still going on...

On a side note, I found this picture of John and I on my Sister In-Law's blog and thought I'd share it. It's from my sister Cody's wedding open house thing so John and I were very serious at this time but not quite engaged yet. I wanted to write more about our story and everything but I'm tired so I'll save it for another time. Look how tan I am and how young John looks!